Written by Dr. Carosso:
As parents, we expect kids to follow directions when told to do so, and that our child will do so immediately.  Oh, that it would be so.  To our despair, it’s not, and likely shall never be.

That’s the important point; kids are not automatons (or at least mine aren’t) – oh that it would be so:). 

I tell parents that we don’t expect a table or chair to move immediately on our command; so why do we expect our kids, who have their own agendas, wants, and distractions, to immediately follow our direction with a sense of urgency?

In fact, we might have better luck with that wooden table. 

So, should we simply give-up?   Okay.  Well, maybe not.   Instead, how about changing our expectations and, in doing so, lower our blood pressure.

Recognize that kids often need that ‘softer and closer’ approach (see former blog on that subject) and a physical prompt (gently guiding them in the right direction) and getting them started on the task. Helping them begin the chore also helps.

It helps to back-up our direction with firm consequences, and soft-spoken reminders of rewards that can be earned, and privileges that will be lost.

However, to our avail, we as parents tend to rely on pestering with an ever-increasing volume. This approach is the least favorable, and results in the most frustration and bad-feelings for all involved.

Remember, as parents, emotion and words are your enemy, while a softer and closer approach, and clearly explained expectations and consequences, is your friend.

Rely on consequences and action, not pestering.   After you’ve explained expectations and consequences (i.e. rewards and punishments), one time, then you’ve said enough; time to be quiet and follow-through.

Try it, you’ll like it. Now, go get softer and closer with your kids.

If you liked this, forward to a friend:)

Written by Dr. Carosso

When we think of behavior management, we tend to think of time-honored strategies such as time-out, loss of privilege, or “grounding” a child. We tend to think of “behavior management” as how a child’s behavior will be managed.

Instead, we may be better-off to think of behavior management of how the parent or caregiver is going to “manage” their own behavior that will hopefully have a positive impact on their child. It could be said that a child’s behavior, whether good or problematic, is a response to the parent’s behavior and actions. Therefore, we may be more effective if we focus on our own behavior.

That means focusing on what we say, how we say it, how consistent we are, the relationship we have with our child, how often we praise, and how we model effective problem-solving, all of which has a profound effect on the child’s behavior.

Consequently, as a parent, it may be helpful to think of “behavior management” in terms of how you are going to manage your own behavior, and adjust your responses to your child’s behavior, to promote harmony within the family home.

Remember, you may have more success focusing on how you’ll change your own behavior, which will then have a positive impact on your child.

I’ll be writing more in the days to come about how parents can “manage” their behavior to produce a positive outcome in their child’s behavior. Stay tuned. If you found this to be helpful, forward to a friend and subscribe. God bless.

Written by Dr. Carosso
Sticker charts can be an invaluable resource. Kids love to get stickers, which are inexpensive, highly motivating, and can be used numerous times throughout the day or week. From my professional and personal experience, I have seen first-hand how kid’s eyes light-up when they earn stickers, and the opportunity to cash-in for some later reward.  

However, sticker charts have their draw-backs; they can be cumbersome (parents rarely stick with them beyond a few weeks), it can be tough to figure-out how many stickers to give before a reward is provided, and how often should stickers be earned and allocated in the first place? All good questions. So, lets get them answered:

1. Prior to setting-up a sticker chart, count how many times the problematic behavior is occurring per day (hitting brother). Child would then earn a sticker, for example, once every three hours if he has not hit his brother.
2. Stickers are ‘cashed-in’ for a reward.
3. Establish an ‘economy’ whereby child has to earn at least 70% of all possible stickers to earn the ‘top prize’. However, they may earn lesser-valued items for some success. 
4. Keep charts simple; no more than two or three targeted behaviors.
5. One targeted behavior should be very easy for which to earn a sticker
6. Children younger than five years need stickers allocated at least two or three times per day, sometimes every hour in the beginning. At that age, stickers need to be cashed-in at least once per day for a reward. Thereafter, rewards can be cashed-in twice a week, moving toward once per week over time.

Children older than 12 tend to prefer ‘point charts’ (child earns points, rather than stickers) that are added to determine if reward is earned). Variations abound and include marbles being placed in a jar when chores are complete; if child earns all seven jars in a week, then a weekly reward is given. Or, a marble in the jar determines if favorite show can be viewed that evening.

Point charts are a highly effective and motivating. Give them a try. Don’t worry if you only stick with it for a few weeks; in fact, you can tell your child that this “contract” (i.e. the sticker chart) is for only a few weeks, until a desired reward is earned; then feel free to take a break for a week or two and regroup. Also, don’t forget to get softer and closer with your child (see prior post). Go buy them there stickers. God bless you and your little ones this New Year. Please provide feedback on your experience with sticker charts.

Written by Dr. Carosso
Okay, as a professional you know that I am supposed to tell you that corporal punishment (spanking) is a no-no and you shouldn’t do it. I’m supposed to tell you that it’s ineffective and simply does not work. Well, I’m not going to tell you that; or at least not that it doesn’t work.

Think of it this way, I imagine most of you men (If any men actually read this blog) would think twice before crossing a guy three times your size. Well, likewise, your kiddo isn’t stupid and realizes when he’s been out-gunned; which is why spanking works. Of course, many of us have our own experience with being spanked, and recognize first-hand the potential effectiveness of a hand on the back-side. However, once we move past the recognition of spanking being effective in getting kids to obey, we are left with some potential problems. I hear you saying ‘I knew you were going to say that…” Well, ignorance can be bliss, but maybe not so blissful for your kids, especially if you rely on spanking as your primary form of discipline.

What are the problems? First, do you really want to hit your kids? Is there not something inherently wrong with hitting anyone, let alone somebody you love? Also, are we not trying to send appropriate messages to our kids. Do you like the message of ‘when somebody frustrates you, hit them.’ If your child is prone to be aggressive, e.g. hits his sister when angry, then does it help to tell him “no hitting” and then spank him? How does a parent feel while spanking? Obviously, they’re angry and frustrated; is it a stretch that an angry parent, in the heat of the moment, might hit too hard, or too many times? Does spanking teach the child more appropriate ways of behaving? Is time-out, loss of privilege, the softer and closer approach, or behavior charts more effective? Does spanking create good or bad feelings; does it promote a positive, or negative, tone in the family? Is spanking consistent with Jesus’ command to do unto others as you’d have done unto you? 

These are questions to ask yourself; the answers will lead you in the right direction. Oh, by the way, since I brought-up Jesus, you may be thinking about that ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ verse. However, God’s “rod” also provides comfort (23rd Psalm “your rod and your staff, they comfort me”); rods were used in Biblical days to guide sheep, not beat them. We want to guide our children; love them, teach and comfort them. The manner in which you carry out those duties, in a consistent, loving, and firm way, maybe even with a sense of humer, will serve you well in raising your kids. Now, go get softer and closer with your kids. I’d love to read your comments. Also, subscribe to regularly receive posts, and forward to a friend:)  God bless.