Archive for May, 2011

Spanking: Might makes right?

Thursday, May 26th, 2011

Written by Dr. Carosso

The standard line:
Okay, as a professional you know that I am supposed to tell you that corporal punishment (spanking) is a no-no and you shouldn’t do it. I’m supposed to tell you that it’s ineffective and simply does not work. Well, I’m not going to tell you that; or at least not that it doesn’t work.
The kid’s perspective:
Think of it this way, I imagine most of you men (If any men actually read this blog) would think twice before crossing a guy three times your size. Well, likewise, your kiddo isn’t stupid and realizes when he’s been out-gunned; which is why spanking works. Of course, many of us have our own experience with being spanked, and recognize first-hand the potential effectiveness of a hand on the back-side. However, once we move past the recognition of spanking being effective in getting kids to obey (at least in the short-term), we are left with some potential problems. I hear you saying ‘I knew you were going to say that…” Well, ignorance can be bliss, but maybe not so blissful for your kids, especially if you rely on spanking as your primary form of discipline.

Maybe not the best approach?
What are the problems? First, do you really want to hit your kids? Is there not something inherently wrong with hitting anyone, let alone somebody you love? Also, are we not trying to send appropriate messages to our kids? Do you prefer the message of ‘when somebody frustrates you, hit them?’ If your child is prone to be aggressive, e.g. hits his sister when angry, then does it help to tell him “no hitting” and then spank him?

Other options?
How does a parent feel while spanking? Obviously, they’re angry and frustrated; is it a stretch that an angry parent, in the heat of the moment, might hit too hard, or too many times? Does spanking teach the child more appropriate ways of behaving? Is time-out, loss of privilege, the softer and closer approach, or behavior charts, more effective? Does spanking create good or bad feelings; does it promote a positive, or negative tone in the family? Is spanking consistent with Jesus’ command to do unto others as you’d have done to you? 

Go easy with the rod:
Those are questions to ask yourself; I imagine the answers will lead you in the right direction. Oh, by the way, since I brought-up Jesus, you may be thinking about that ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ verse. However, God’s “rod” also provides comfort (23rd Psalm… “Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me”); rods were used in Biblical days to guide sheep, not beat them. We want to guide our children; love them, teach and comfort them. The manner in which you carry out those duties, using a consistent, loving, and firm approach, maybe even with a sense of humor, will serve you well in raising your chidren. Now, go get softer and closer with your kids. 

I’d love to read your comments. Feel free to forward to a friend.  

God bless.

Posted in Parent-Child Relationship, Parenting, Spirituality | 15 Comments »

The Argument Squelcher

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

Written by Dr. Carosso

Lets set the scene:
You get into an argument with your spouse. You know your point is valid but you’re having trouble getting your mate to acknowledge your view;  instead, he just wants to “move on” and “forget about it.” So, he tries to change the subject and you’re left feeling unheard and misunderstood. You’re simply not ready to “move on” and you feel ‘stuck’ and frustrated.  As you’re stewing over the problem, you think that, if only your point of view was acknowledged, even in disagreement, you’d feel more at-ease and prepared to move-on. Well, the same thing happens every time you want to “move on” past your child’s disappointment, frustration, anger, or problem.

Scene II:
Okay, here’s the next scenario: your child complains that he doesn’t want to stop playing that new video game you just purchased for him, to empty the trash. You abruptly respond, in irritated fashion, for him to follow your direction “NOW” and ignore his obvious frustration.

Reflection to avoid rejection
Okay, I know what you’re thinking;  there are situations when there is simply no time for discussing the matter; nevertheless, you may find that, just as with your prior argument with your spouse, that a simple and quick ‘reflective’ comment, acknowledging your child’s feelings, would help him to more quickly move beyond his feelings and carry-out the assigned task.

For example, a comment such as “I understand it’s frustrating to be taken away from your new game. After you finish the chore you can return to playing”  may prove to be quite helpful.  Feeling ‘heard’ is extraordinarily powerful; it bolsters a sense of comfort and then allows for moving beyond, and past, the problem at hand.

The Alternative?
Otherwise, we tend to feel ‘stuck’ in the argument. Reflective listening is vital in all relationships, for issues that are both pleasant (“you’re really happy you got an A on that test, you worked so hard…”) and not to pleasant (“you feel sad that your friend didn’t show-up, that can be disappointing”). In regards to this latter situation regarding the friend not showing up, the child will sense his feelings were acknowledged and more likely be willing to move forward to problem-solving, e.g. “why don’t you call your friend Timothy and see if he wants to come over instead.”  In the absence of reflective listening, there is a tendency for your child to become argumentative (“I’m not calling Timmy, I wanted Jim to be here…”).

Spread the reflections:
You can more readily avoid such conflicts with your child, and with any other person in your life, by listening for, and acknowledging, their feelings. Try it; you may find yourself feeling happier too. 

Feel free to comment forward to a friend:)   God bless

Posted in Parent-Child Relationship, Parenting | 19 Comments »